I’m a “word girl”, but there just don’t seem to be the right
words to express my feelings. I've been
sitting here staring at a blank page trying to figure out just how to convey
all of my feelings. The words don’t want to come. Maybe it’s his absence? I
miss his solid presence. Knowing he’ll
always be there when I get home from work, or at the very least, shortly after.
Knowing that each and every night, I will lie down in the same bed with him,
and snuggle close and also knowing that I will wake to his kiss as he leaves
for work.
(Yeah, he's gonna kill me when he sees I used this picture!)
Our time is spent laughing and talking, often over cooking
dinner, doing laundry or even the dishes. We talk about our day, about work,
about our kids, his and mine, and about our future. We talk at work at least a
dozen times a day. Maybe it’s still new? Maybe that’s part of it, but he
understands me. I am who I am and he doesn't mind. He’s unapologetic for who he
is. Neither of us is perfect, but the only thing I would change about him is
his current absence.
The funny thing is, I sit here and read what I've written
and think, “This is just silly. Why should I feel the need to type this?” Well,
it’s what I do. I write. I've done it for ages now, and I’m a tad aggravated that
it’s this hard for me to do right now. Sure, I’m typing, but I’m just not
saying what I’d like to.
I have to stop myself from using a million different cliches.
But if I close my eyes, I can see him. His clear blue eyes. His full lips,
always ready with a smile. I can see his huge broad shoulders, and be thankful
that I haven’t actually had to lean on them often (but I’m glad they’re there
all the same). He’s such a big man, so strong, but amazingly gentle and not too
tough to shed a tear with me over a tragedy like the tornado that destroyed so
many of my childhood memories in May.
There is no easy way to explain my feelings. He’s home. He’s
my equal, my partner and sometimes my strength, but mostly, he makes me a
better person. Not so much in the less snarky department, more in the “I feel
like a grown-up and I’m okay with that” department. Sometimes it’s hard for me
not to worry about the future; that things will change. I know they will, but I
have to have faith that when they do, it will only be better.
I guess what they say is true. I was finally in a really
good place. I was happy with who I was and where I was in my life. And there he
was. He wasn't a knight in shining armor, there to rescue me, nor was he in
need of rescuing himself. We were both
pretty comfortable in our own skin and it just so happens, that we kinda liked
the skin the other wore.
Now here we are, our first time apart in almost 6 months. I
have a beautiful ring on my finger, symbolizing the promise of a future with an honest,
hard-working, sensitive, caring and extremely hot man (yeah, I went there, he’s
handsome in a not-douchey-way).
We scrapped our plans for a big wedding when it
spun out of control (my fault), and plan on having a very small quiet ceremony
the end of the month. Then I get to apply for my first Passport, so I can be
ready for our cruise to South America and the Caribbean in April (I am so gonna
refrain from watching Titanic for a while). I think our next trip out of the
states will definitely be to Scotland after that. Life is good. No life is
amazing…but it would sure be a whole lot better if he wasn't on a ship somewhere
out in the Pacific Ocean right now.
