Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Leaving the Darkness Behind...

Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't mean you no longer have feelings for someone. It means your feelings have changed and you can live with that, your happiness is no longer tied in any way, shape or form to that person and it means letting go doesn’t hurt anymore.

Funny thing about that light…when you’re happy, you’re really happy. It’s an honest feeling. It’s not a fleeting moment. It’s REAL. I can’t remember the last time I was happy with me. Just me. I finally am. I feel good about who I am, who I have become. It’s no longer dependant on anyone else, or their opinion of me.

It doesn’t mean I don’t still love. I do. Openly and honestly. I always have, I would guess I always will. The big difference is I don’t NEED to be loved back to be happy. I don’t require sacrifice from anyone, nor am I willing to sacrifice myself in the ways I have in the past. I feel good about this. Really good.

I love my life just the way it is. I answer to no one (well, unless I’m at work, then my two bosses can tell me what to do…they DO sign my check after all). But in my personal life, I have finally realized something. I always talk about the best time in my life being when I was 21-23 years old.

Thinking about it now, it was the only time in my adult life that I wasn’t with a man (okay, so I was with a few men, but let’s not go there). What I mean is I was my own person. I was not in a committed relationship. No one told me what I could or couldn’t do. I was married at 23 years old, and have spent the last 19 years trying to make men happy. I thought my happiness depended on that. Not so much.

So for the record, I have no plans to change my personal life any time soon. Would I like to have a man in my life? If his name is Gerard Butler…you betcha (okay, maybe if he’s not, but just Scottish)! I no longer need to have a man “love” me for me to feel validated or happy. In fact, it’s pretty much had the opposite effect for years now. Now I live for me.

Walking in the light is a beautiful thing! 

Now I’m going to finish cleaning my room…because I WANT to, not because I have a man telling me too. 

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