Saturday, February 9, 2013

Warning: Wallowing to Follow...

Sometimes the weight of the world seems to be pressing a bit too hard on my shoulders. When that happens, I withdraw into myself. I become anti-social (far more so than normal) and I retreat from everyone, often using music to wallow in sadness.

I admit to being co-dependent at times. It’s not a trait I like, but I’ll own it. When this melancholy mood hits, I actually miss having someone to be co-dependent with (not enough to actually do anything about being alone, just enough to darken my mood a tad bit more).

I've been in one of those moods lately. They are unhealthy and often self-destructive. I push away people I shouldn't  and long for unhealthy relationships I've ended. I watch stupid sub-titled movies, don’t eat and can’t sleep.

It seems I’m a tad whiny as well (sorry for stating the obvious). I think this particular lapse is caused by multiple things. The first was my birthday. How I hate them. Next we have the terrifying life change I’m currently in the middle of implementing. Quitting a full-time job to go back to school is scary on so many levels. Then we have Valentine’s Day….society’s way of celebrating couples (I am currently not one half of a couple equation) and a commercialized holiday I usually dread (second only to my birthday). Which brings me to the loss of my dearest friend; I can’t seem to come to grips with that. Factor in my kids seem to be growing up and needing me less and less and I realize I’m lonely. And sad.

Oh yeah, I’m a big fat whiner all right. I really don’t like myself when I get this way.  

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