Thursday, May 23, 2019

Tessa's Graduation

Over eighteen years ago, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. She was perfect. I should have known that I was in for one heck of a ride parenting her. We’ve had our ups and downs and she’s had her own personal struggles. Through it all, her light has never wavered and has always shone brightly.

She is my own version of Scarlett O’Hara (I so should have named her Scarlett…it would have been fitting). She’s always been extremely head-strong. She always has to learn things HER way, even when you try and protect her. I’m sure I didn’t show her enough of the love and affection she required, but I’ve always tried to do my best.

From an early age, I’ve watched her grow into one of the smartest kids I’ve seen. She’s “people smart”. She has charisma and charm. I’ve always told her that she could use “her powers” for good or evil. She just has that “it” factor people talk about. 

Never one to like school, not sure if it was the atmosphere, the regimental structure or the actual work she had no real interest in, but she’s always thrived in the arts. Whether she’s drawing, painting, acting or singing, that’s when she shines her brightest.

As a mother, I worry that I still haven’t prepared her for adulthood. There are still so many things she doesn’t know or understand. I think most parents have those fears. I also fear I have stifled her creativity. I want her to reach for the stars. To do what she loves. To say the hell with what other people may think. I want her star to shine as brightly as I know it can. I want her to inspire others. I want her to be a good and decent human being. But most of all I want her to be happy.

I could list the hardships she’s overcome and the life lessons learned about the ugly side of human nature, but I think the most important thing is that no matter what life has thrown at her, she has kept going. She will be walking across the stage tomorrow night to receive her high school diploma. Her friends and family will be there cheering her on. I will be there bawling like a baby, but so very proud of her accomplishments. This is the end of one journey, and the beginning of her next journey.

I can’t wait to see her take on the world.

 We love you ALWAYS!

Friday, May 10, 2019

Be Forewarned...I'm Whiney!

I have been sitting with this laptop open for what feels like hours. I started writing, got a page in and stopped. I opened up my writing file and looked at so many ideas, either waiting for a beginning, or started and abandoned. The only thing I seem to be able to focus on right now is the pain and lack of any energy. Also how much I love steroids, knowing I can’t take any.

Steroids (Prednisone) seem to be my new best friend. With them, I can almost pretend to be normal. I’m still limited on my energy stores (think of it like a video game, when that energy runs out, you are done). I can at least walk from one room to the next without feeling like I may pass out from the exertion. I’m on day two of what I refer to as “a bad day”. Everything hurts, I have zero energy and I just want to cry (I usually don’t, I was raised not to throw pity parties for myself).

I would like to think that me writing about the only thing that seems to be on my mind is at least knocking some of the cobwebs off of the creative process. I want to write, but I’d prefer to be writing fiction. Doesn’t seem like that’s happening though, so I’ll take what I can get.

I’m saving up my steroid usage for the next few weeks. Tessa (my third child) will be graduating high school, so we have all of the graduation festivities that I’ll need to find the energy for. I miss the days of caffeinated drinks being all I needed for an extra boost of energy. 

My two youngest are all that live at home now. I know they say they understand when I have my bad days, but I’m not really sure they do.I really don’t think anyone who hasn’t experienced this type of debilitating chronic illness really understands. I know I didn’t. 

I get lots of advice though. Eat this, don’t eat that, take this vitamin or that supplement. Exercise more, stand on your head, spin around whistling Dixie. I know everyone always means well, but I really just want somebody to come clean my house and leave me alone.

Okay, I think I’ve done quite enough whining, and to be honest, just sitting here typing has worn me out (stupid, I know). I guess it’s back to mind numbingly boring TV. I need a better hobby. Too bad it’s about the only thing I can do, besides sleep, on bad days.