Tessa's Graduation

Over eighteen years ago, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. She was perfect. I should have known that I was in for one heck of a ride parenting her. We’ve had our ups and downs and she’s had her own personal struggles. Through it all, her light has never wavered and has always shone brightly.



She is my own version of Scarlett O’Hara (I so should have named her Scarlett…it would have been fitting). She’s always been extremely head-strong. She always has to learn things HER way, even when you try and protect her. I’m sure I didn’t show her enough of the love and affection she required, but I’ve always tried to do my best.

From an early age, I’ve watched her grow into one of the smartest kids I’ve seen. She’s “people smart”. She has charisma and charm. I’ve always told her that she could use “her powers” for good or evil. She just has that “it” factor people talk about. 

Never one to like school, not sure if it was the atmosphere, the regimental structure or the actual work she had no real interest in, but she’s always thrived in the arts. Whether she’s drawing, painting, acting or singing, that’s when she shines her brightest.

As a mother, I worry that I still haven’t prepared her for adulthood. There are still so many things she doesn’t know or understand. I think most parents have those fears. I also fear I have stifled her creativity. I want her to reach for the stars. To do what she loves. To say the hell with what other people may think. I want her star to shine as brightly as I know it can. I want her to inspire others. I want her to be a good and decent human being. But most of all I want her to be happy.

I could list the hardships she’s overcome and the life lessons learned about the ugly side of human nature, but I think the most important thing is that no matter what life has thrown at her, she has kept going. She will be walking across the stage tomorrow night to receive her high school diploma. Her friends and family will be there cheering her on. I will be there bawling like a baby, but so very proud of her accomplishments. This is the end of one journey, and the beginning of her next journey.

I can’t wait to see her take on the world.

 We love you ALWAYS!

Be Forewarned...I'm Whiney!

I have been sitting with this laptop open for what feels like hours. I started writing, got a page in and stopped. I opened up my writing file and looked at so many ideas, either waiting for a beginning, or started and abandoned. The only thing I seem to be able to focus on right now is the pain and lack of any energy. Also how much I love steroids, knowing I can’t take any.

Steroids (Prednisone) seem to be my new best friend. With them, I can almost pretend to be normal. I’m still limited on my energy stores (think of it like a video game, when that energy runs out, you are done). I can at least walk from one room to the next without feeling like I may pass out from the exertion. I’m on day two of what I refer to as “a bad day”. Everything hurts, I have zero energy and I just want to cry (I usually don’t, I was raised not to throw pity parties for myself).

I would like to think that me writing about the only thing that seems to be on my mind is at least knocking some of the cobwebs off of the creative process. I want to write, but I’d prefer to be writing fiction. Doesn’t seem like that’s happening though, so I’ll take what I can get.

I’m saving up my steroid usage for the next few weeks. Tessa (my third child) will be graduating high school, so we have all of the graduation festivities that I’ll need to find the energy for. I miss the days of caffeinated drinks being all I needed for an extra boost of energy. 

My two youngest are all that live at home now. I know they say they understand when I have my bad days, but I’m not really sure they do.I really don’t think anyone who hasn’t experienced this type of debilitating chronic illness really understands. I know I didn’t. 

I get lots of advice though. Eat this, don’t eat that, take this vitamin or that supplement. Exercise more, stand on your head, spin around whistling Dixie. I know everyone always means well, but I really just want somebody to come clean my house and leave me alone.

Okay, I think I’ve done quite enough whining, and to be honest, just sitting here typing has worn me out (stupid, I know). I guess it’s back to mind numbingly boring TV. I need a better hobby. Too bad it’s about the only thing I can do, besides sleep, on bad days.

I'm Baaaack....Kinda.

Let me preface this post with a "bear with me". I'm rusty to say the least. I find it hard to believe I haven't posted a single blog post in going on four years. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to relearn blogging settings, typing and just articulating what I'd like to say in an understandable format.

It's been four years since my last post. My world has changed so much. Some things remain the same. I still have the best husband in the world who I adore and love more than I ever thought possible. Especially now.

My body has decided it doesn't like me very much. I guess I can start with my "known diagnosis", and backtrack to the beginning of this medical insanity, September of 2016.

• Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). RA is an autoimmune disorder, which means your body attacks itself. If you have RA, your body interprets the soft lining around your joints as a threat, similar to a virus or bacteria, and attacks it. RA is a systemic disease, which means it can affect your entire body — lungs, heart, eyes — and not just your joints.
• Fibromyalgia. A condition that causes pain all over the body (also referred to as widespread pain), sleep problems, fatigue, and often emotional and mental distress. People with fibromyalgia may be more sensitive to pain than people without fibromyalgia.
• Peripheral Neuropathy. A result of damage to your peripheral nerves, often causes weakness, numbness and pain, usually in your hands and feet. It can also affect other areas of your body.
• Sjogren's Syndrome. An autoimmune disease, your immune system attacks parts of your own body by mistake. In Sjogren's syndrome, it attacks the glands that make tears and saliva. This causes a dry mouth and dry eyes. ... It is sometimes linked to other diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus.

After two and a half years of more tests than I'd like to count (or remember), two regular doctors, a rheumatologist, hematologist, neurologist and orthopedic surgeon (to treat injuries from a catastrophic fall down the stairs), I'm better in some aspects than when I originally had the rapid onset of symptoms, but far worse to the point of often not being able to simply walk from one room to the next without being able to breathe and having zero energy to walk the short distance back to my recliner or bed.

Looking back, I was struggling for a few years before the rapid onset of the extreme pain that facilitated the start of the testing and specialists. My feet would hurt after short periods of walking or standing. I had a bit less energy than I once had. I blamed most of it on old age. It wasn't debilitating enough to cause anything other than annoyance. I have moved way past annoyance. Even now, I struggle to sit in the computer chair and type. I do have a laptop, which I guess I should learn to use, but I just prefer the PC. That being said, I do believe I'll rap up this post and try and revisit in the next few days with more of my whining. I'm actually hoping this process will be, at the very least, therapeutic, and will motivate me to start writing again (God knows I have the time).

Using My Powers for Good....

Does anybody out there understand how hard it is to start writing again after taking a break? I sure do. I don’t even have an excuse. After separating with a company I ADORED working for in August, I decided to go back to writing full time. After five months, my house is clean, carpets shampooed, closets cleaned out and this is the FIRST time I have sat down to do any serious writing…and it’s not even very serious, just me rambling on in my blog (mostly because I am bored out of my mind!).

Don’t get me wrong, I have loved spending time with my family and I can never get enough time with my husband (because he is the most awesome man on the planet). I just don’t feel productive. I miss immersing myself in a job I love. Maybe this isn't the time to start on the fifth revision of my completed manuscript. Maybe I shouldn't start on my exciting memoirs just yet.

I've certainly had time to do a lot of reading, probably a few dozen. Mostly books I wouldn't recommend, although I did get the latest Diana Gabaldon book in her Outlander series, Written in My Own Hearts Blood, for my anniversary (from the fore-mentioned awesome husband) which I devoured, because she is a brilliant writer.

I guess I need to get back out there and find another job I can enjoy and feel like I’m contributing my talents (because let’s face it, I have lots of talents…most of them can even be used for good instead of evil). Perhaps I’ll keep blogging, just so my writing ability doesn't get all rusty and stagnant. Maybe I’ll even find a job that can use my many talents (hopefully not my talent for cleaning, shampooing carpets or organizing closets).

Pride, Insecurity and Trust

You would think that pride & insecurity wouldn't be a trait shared by one person. Alas, it often is.

Insecurity can poison almost any relationship. Everyone is insecure, but sometimes you have to learn to trust someone in order to conquer that insecurity. That’s where pride rears its ugly head and can completely obliterate that fragile trust, giving even more power to our insecurities.

Speaking on a personal level, I have serious trust issues. It seems anytime I put my trust in someone, they betray that trust. It makes me insecure in my own ability to judge a person. It also hurts. My pride kicks in every so often and I get all filled with bravado and push away the people I love the most.

I previously mentioned The Brain, The Heart & The Libido here. I’m sure anyone can tell you The Libido cares not about pride, insecurity or trust. That would definitely be left for The Heart & The Brain to fight it out.

So here’s an example of that conversation:

The Brain: “I was lied to. Over and over. I trusted this person. I was wrong. Why did I trust them? I shall never forgive them for doing this to me. My pride will not allow it. How can I be so stupid? What makes people think I will just keep forgiving each and every time?”

The Heart: “It’s because of love.”

The Brain: “Love is a poor excuse for being treated like a welcome mat. Stop butting in and trying to control things Heart, you only cause problems. Look at the past 5 years. You've wreaked havoc on our life with all your silly feelings.”

The Heart: “It doesn't matter what you think. It only matters what you feel. In the end, you are fighting a losing battle, because we both know I am stronger than you are. It’s been your over-thinking everything that has caused the problems.”

And the fight continues…there is no right or wrong. In the end, it really isn't The Brain or The Heart that has any control…it’s the person who the fight is over. Unfortunately, they have the power to end this battle. One way or another. It’s too bad their own internal battle with pride, insecurities & trust make this a battle that can’t be won by anyone, unless they learn to conquer their own pride & insecurities and take that leap and learn to trust.

Brilliant Book Covers Lead to Odd Musings...

Ever have one of those conversations that you later look back on and can’t decide if it was either brilliant on both sides, or just plain weird? A while back, I had numerous talks with someone and it was exactly like that. I saw the picture of a book cover that reminded me of it today. It’s just brilliant, in my humble opinion.  

“So, you've read 50 Shades of Grey, now its time to inject a bit of colour and have the time of your life.... read the tongue in cheek adventures of the hapless libido.” 

Check out the BRILLIANT Mark McIntyre 

and pick up a copy of his new book 

A Positively Healthier Lifestyle 

You may wonder what kind of bizarre discussion I could have been having after seeing that! Well, the truth is, it was a very odd third person conversation. I referred to three separate entities as though they were actual people. There was The Brain, The Heart and of course, The Libido.

Now, as you can imagine, The Brain was the only reasonable opinion in these conversations and was constantly at odds with ANYTHING The Heart had to add. The Libido was pretty much willing to side with either of them, as long as she thought it would somehow benefit her.

In the end, The Brain won any and all discussions. The Libido pouted but was more than willing to patiently await her next bath or shower (don’t ask). The Heart, well, that poor girl; what can I say? If you’re very quiet late at night, you can hear the slap and scrape of more bricks being added to her already impenetrable wall. She got all worked up over nothing. The really sad part is she almost won all those arguments with The Brain. I suppose it’s a good thing she didn't  A girl can only take so many beatings before she’s not only broken, but ceases to exist.

So as long as there’s a tidy little wall to protect her, there’s still hope that one day, Prince Charming will scale the walls and rescue her from her solitary existence. Corny, huh?

Dead though you may be, forgotten NEVER...

Over the years, friends come and go. You have those who you can go ages without talking to, and a phone call wipes away the months or even years, almost instantly.

There are people that come into our lives that we find an immediate connection with. Sometimes those friendships “stick”, often, they don’t.

On the rare occasion, we find a friend who we open ourselves up to. It’s never an immediate thing. Often over years, but at some point, we realize they are the only person in our life we can tell everything to. All of our deep dark secrets; they won’t judge, because they've done the same.

Something happened today and I realized I had no one I was willing to tell. It saddened me. I've always thought of myself as an open book. I hide very little. I was very wrong about that. I have the outer me, that is most definitely an open book, then I have the inner me. The one I've really only ever showed one person. Now that person is forever gone. So I find the inner me angry and mourning that loss, once again.

So what do I do? I write. Do I write about what I am still unwilling to share with anyone? Of course not. I write to help me understand and to grieve the loss of an irreplaceable person and friend. Dead though you may be, forgotten NEVER...

Ginger Work of Fiction...Optional Hot Guy Included

Being a ginger and suffering the inane “Gingers have no souls” jokes was only slightly annoying growing up. Now, it seemed the universe had a warped sense of humor, or at the very least was sympathetic to our plight. During the Time of Darkness, it was discovered only humans with red hair pigments were inedible. Go figure? I never seemed to have that problem with any of my old boyfriends, may they rest in peace (or pieces, depending).

I had been “elected” from my district to attend the Summoning Conference, but in reality, it was more like drawing the short straw. I guess my lack of filter had ruffled a few more feathers than I realized. Sitting in the back of the limo, my companions seemed a bit more nervous than I was. The silence was thick with tension. The man to my right kept humming, a grating tuneless sound that made me want to backhand him. The woman to my left kept fidgeting with the bag in her lap. I sighed, closed my eyes and leaned my head back, trying to breathe deep and relax.

The council would be awaiting our arrival. Many days of preparation had been spent, not just feeding me information the district elders thought I may need, but on my appearance. My long unruly hair was tightly bound and secured, covered by a small hat with a netted veil. It irritatingly tickled the bridge of my nose and I had to fight the constant urge not to scratch at it. I loved the black pheasant shirt that rested just off my shoulders with the long flowing skirt, though. The emerald steel-boned corset that I was forced to wear over it, however, I was not a fan of. And the make-up; good lord, I doubt I’d ever worn quite so much. I felt like a Thanksgiving turkey ready for the table, which, under the circumstances, wasn't exactly the best analogy.

The car came to a sudden halt, and I lifted my head trying to see out the blackened windows. The fidgeter next to me let out a small squeal when the door was opened abruptly. She was frozen in place and no one else seemed willing to say anything or move. I sighed and grabbed my own bag off the floor, wasting no time climbing unceremoniously over her to exit the interior, meeting the dark night outside. I took a deep breath and looked around. We were parked in front of an impressive Gothic structure and I smirked. 

“Something amusing?”

I slowly turned my head at the sound of the baritone voice. Aside from the fact that he was clearly dead, he was breathtakingly beautiful, spoke with a lovely English accent and was big. Very big.

I cocked an eyebrow, which only made the veil shift and tickle my nose again. I stuck out my lower lip, blowing at the offending shear material; it fluttered slightly, before settling back in place, which made me even more annoyed. Me and annoyed don’t usually end well.

“A counsel of the undead, holding their Summoning Conference in a Gothic cathedral? What could be more amusing?” I stated, tilting my head and staring up at the man, my voice dripping with sarcasm. Which, in hindsight, pretty much violated rule #1 the elders had given me, “Never look the undead in the eye, and always, always answer their questions respectfully and demurely”. Yeah, apparently that wasn't gonna happen. I was so screwed. 

Perception vs. Reality

How we perceive other’s around us is often by their actions (or in-actions). Some people have the ability to understand that everyone’s perception is going to be different. Others are very short-sighted and if they perceive something one way, there is very little, if any, deviation from that original perception once made.

A good example is a friend of mine I grew up with. People who didn't know her well, always perceived her as uppity, a tad on the stuck-up side. In reality, she was very self-conscious and painfully shy. People perceived her shyness as her being self-absorbed and/or conceited. They couldn't have been further from actual reality.

Our perception of ourselves is often far different than those around us. I decided to test the concept of perception vs. reality (mine) on my Facebook. So I asked this question:

“Okay, quick question and completely honest answer (SERIOUSLY...no sugar coating). I'm writing a blog on perception vs. reality. I want to use the answers to show how close or far from my own perception they are. How do you perceive me?”

Here are the answers, followed by a response from me:

“very honest and straight forward” (True)

“A girl that speaks her mind and doesn't care about what others think...u r a great person to people that matter a shit to ya...but to those that don't they can kiss ur ass!!” (LOL, true)

“I think you're beautiful, sweet and very loving.

Very honest and one who says what you feel.” (I don’t take compliments well, I like them, just never been very good at receiving them gracefully, but very true on the second sentence!)

“I perceive you as a easy going, quick thinker and as a long time friend, an honest person with a fun sense of humor. Someone that takes life's punches and tries to stay upbeat.” (First sentence, absolutely, second sentence…I put on a pretty good show, but often feel the exact opposite inside)

“Ok you're a bitch” (I love this one, and true, I can be)

“I would say you wear your heart on your sleeve but have a tongue like a dagger...” (I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve, I think I just did with him, I forgot to lock it away momentarily…but then, he also saw that fabulous defensive mechanism I have a habit of using to keep people away from said sleeve)

“A single mom that likes men that have accents, and men that don't appreciate how beautiful you are. You are more open with your sexual side then some are comfortable with. I wish I was as bold and fearless of people's opinions of me, as I believe you are.” (I DO like my accents! And in the past, I have always chosen to give undeserving men my attention. But I am very open about sex and all that goes with it)

“Funny, not afraid to speak wats on ur mind, seem to enjoy the shock factor like throwing stuff out just to see wat kinda reaction you'll get.” (Ah, finally one I can disagree with! I actually rarely think about the shock factor when I say/do things as much as I think about what I find funny…but I have been accused of this trait for ages, so I’m not surprised by it in the least)

“I would have to say that you seem to be a person who is honest with their feelings. You are not easily offended. And...you like hot guys with kilts on. Although I think you would do quite well just to have someone who would accept you for who you are” (LOL, yes, hot guys in kilts, no secret there! I do tend to be overly honest with my feelings, which often makes people uncomfortable & I am RARELY offended, if ever)

“Flirtatious & fun.” (This usually isn't bad…)

“Funny and uninhibited” (I like that someone thinks I’m funny, because I always think I’m funny! And, yeah, my lack of filter seems to be a running theme)

“You’re a very hyper fun loving woman that takes life as it comes.” (I was hyper as a kid…I think I used up all that excess energy back then! But I do try and take each day as it comes…good or bad)

“the perception is if i am going by facebook alone since i haven't hung out with u in forever is u would be a sex obsessed maniac....but of course reality im sure is much different because besides your obsession with men with foreign accents and kilts u r my same old long time friend, although kooky, has a wicked sense of humor that i am sure not everyone can appreciate!!!!!” (“sex obsessed maniac” Well, that’s mostly because I haven’t had a “real” boyfriend in almost 2 ½ years! I've been taking a bit of “me” time and trying to figure who I am and what direction I want to take my life…kilts & accents. Yep, it’s a weakness)

“As strong stubborn opinionated outspoken fiercely loyal until crossed then all bets are off ~ a good parent who is proud of how far she has gotten alone, but secretly despite the front lies insecurity & self doubt that is hidden by sarcasm which is extremely advanced thanks to over-intelligence. It is sometimes hard to tell if you genuinely like someone or are just interested in their story...” (Ohhhhh, this particular person is very pretty and a tad flighty, so I often make the mistake of forgetting just HOW intelligent she really is (I've been making that mistake for 30+ years), as for genuinely liking someone, if I dislike someone, they are usually quite aware of it!)

“Confidence in yourself, smart, honest with others. great friend, hard worker and very funny!!” (Hmmm, I am confident about most things, but I do have my own share of insecurities that I suppose I try and hide with humor…mostly self-depreciating)

“You like to come across as a straight bitch so you don't have to let anyone close enough to hurt you .” (Ouch. Doesn't the truth often sting?)

“when we first met i thought you were a jumped up loud mouth american who was full of self importance (kinda like most americans really), in reality i find you to be a warm caring person who always puts others first but dont take any shit (except from me cos i know i can get away with it) and pretty intelligent too (unlike most other americans)… may i just add as a foot note

*always seems to pick the puny guys so she can break them and then act like some kind of she-ra or wonder woman” (But I AM She-Ra! Okay, it’s only the Englishmen who seem to be fragile! I do perceive myself as a tad loud and boisterous at times, and often regret it later. And yes, I do tend to have certain people that can get away with more than I would ever tolerate from others. They know who they are.)   

  

“I find you smart and interesting and eloquent, someone who thinks about stuff and can talk at length about a great many subjects. I love your sense of humour and occasional lack of filter. Sometimes you can come across as lacking a little empathy and a better talker than a listener. You did say no sugar coating right? But overall I find you fascinating to talk to and someone I'm attracted to even before I involve the lovely pics and the exotic accent. I suspect I may be one of your more biased responders as I'd love to get you into bed one day lol” (Yeah, I just filled out my paperwork for my passport. Pretty sure that speaks volumes about THIS particular comment…Charming, honest, he wears a kilt and has a lovely Scottish accent. I’m a goner here.)

Emotional Sadism & Emotional Masochism…of the Vanilla Variety

Boy I put my foot in it this time! I mentioned my next topic at the end of Serendipity vs Zemblanity, not giving it much thought. So here I am, late at night researching emotional sadism and *cough* *sputter* *cough* goodness gracious! I've read some interesting things, most of what I read wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but no matter, we shall tread forward and just step a tad more carefully in the future when picking the next subject.

Let’s start with emotional sadism, and for arguments sake, let’s just keep this fairly “vanilla”, as in *a tad boring and little, if any, sexual references (so sue me if I used suggestive pictures…I can, so I did). So an emotional sadist takes great pleasure, or at least it makes them feel better about themselves, to inflict emotional pain on others. I was actually surprised that psychopath/sociopath websites were where I found emotional sadism mentioned the most. Guess I never thought about it, but it does make sense.

Now, emotional masochism is a tad less scary, but no less dysfunctional. Okay, maybe a tad less. How many people do you know who are just gloom and doom types? Seems they’re not happy unless they are somehow martyring themselves. Their world is always angsty. I think a few times I've been an emotional masochist by circumstance, but more times by choice. I continued down paths that I knew the only outcome would be emotional turmoil and pain. And I skipped happily down that road singing lots of angsty songs to make it hurt even more. I’m good like that.

So, can we choose to stop these behaviors? I think **emotional sadism is one of those fairly nasty ones that require professional help if you want to kick the habit. **Emotional masochism, on the other hand, can go either way. I think in some instances, serious counseling may help, in others, just recognizing the behavior is sometimes enough to curb or even stop it. My Mom has a saying, “You have 5 minutes for your pity party and then you need to move on”. Yeah, I've heard it more times than I can count…so I am fully aware of my tendency toward emotional masochism, I also recognize what (and who) causes it. These days, I prefer to avoid, rather than indulge (Categorizing Relationships).

So where do you fall? Emotional Sadist or Emotional Masochist?

*It should be noted your vanilla is anything BUT boring, Mr. S.

**Not a licensed psychologist, that’s just my own personal opinion.

Serendipity vs. Zemblanity

In Baby Steps Via Blogging I mentioned my next blog post might be about serendipity. I thought it would be a relatively simple subject. It’s reminded me of a lesson I’d forgotten about writing…when you think a subject will be cut and dried, it’s most often no where near, especially when any form of research may be involved. Let’s start with a brief definition of two words. They will be the Yin and Yang of my post. 

Serendipity means a "happy accident" or "pleasant surprise"; specifically, the accident of finding something good or useful while not specifically searching for it. 

Zemblanity means making unhappy, unlucky and expected discoveries occurring by design.

Wow. I was planning a very light-hearted post about serendipity, and now all of a sudden, I have memories flooding back of a far more zamblanitous nature. Let’s see where this takes us, shall we?

Serendipity is great. It’s like the universe bestows a small gift, or series of gifts on you. Maybe you can think of it as your guardian angel, spirit guide, little voice in your head, whatever, gives you a few nudges in the right direction. For example, I hadn’t spoken to someone in well over a year. I honestly hadn’t given it any thought either. One day, towards the end of December, I was driving home and he popped into my head. I remember thinking at the time how odd it was. Later that night, I was looking through my inbox on Facebook at my archived mail. I was searching for a specific inbox and there he was again (I wasn’t looking for his). I opened it up, and the last message I had received from him was exactly one year ago to the day, whishing me a Happy Hogmanay. I decided I would wish him a Happy Hogmanay and we’ve been talking again ever since. I guess you could say we “rediscovered” each other; all through a series of serendipitous events.

That brings us to zemblanity. The way I see it, if you’re actually looking for something bad, you’re very likely to find it. It’s much like praying to the Gods of Negativity and boy do they like to answer prayers! I could add several examples of this, but I won’t…mostly because the examples are rather painful. Zemblanity is often unpleasant, for any parties involved. It’s an ugly word that I’d rather not encounter often, but it is fun to say, much like I think “Batista” is fun to say (yeah, I’m a weird word girl, what can I say?).

             

 So there you have it, Serendipity vs. Zemblanity. I would ask which you would prefer, but I think that would be a rather obvious answer, unless you’re just a complete emotional sadist…OHHHHHH, that sounds like a good topic, doesn't it? Emotional sadism. 

Until next time then…