Tessa's Graduation

Over eighteen years ago, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. She was perfect. I should have known that I was in for one heck of a ride parenting her. We’ve had our ups and downs and she’s had her own personal struggles. Through it all, her light has never wavered and has always shone brightly.



She is my own version of Scarlett O’Hara (I so should have named her Scarlett…it would have been fitting). She’s always been extremely head-strong. She always has to learn things HER way, even when you try and protect her. I’m sure I didn’t show her enough of the love and affection she required, but I’ve always tried to do my best.

From an early age, I’ve watched her grow into one of the smartest kids I’ve seen. She’s “people smart”. She has charisma and charm. I’ve always told her that she could use “her powers” for good or evil. She just has that “it” factor people talk about. 

Never one to like school, not sure if it was the atmosphere, the regimental structure or the actual work she had no real interest in, but she’s always thrived in the arts. Whether she’s drawing, painting, acting or singing, that’s when she shines her brightest.

As a mother, I worry that I still haven’t prepared her for adulthood. There are still so many things she doesn’t know or understand. I think most parents have those fears. I also fear I have stifled her creativity. I want her to reach for the stars. To do what she loves. To say the hell with what other people may think. I want her star to shine as brightly as I know it can. I want her to inspire others. I want her to be a good and decent human being. But most of all I want her to be happy.

I could list the hardships she’s overcome and the life lessons learned about the ugly side of human nature, but I think the most important thing is that no matter what life has thrown at her, she has kept going. She will be walking across the stage tomorrow night to receive her high school diploma. Her friends and family will be there cheering her on. I will be there bawling like a baby, but so very proud of her accomplishments. This is the end of one journey, and the beginning of her next journey.

I can’t wait to see her take on the world.

 We love you ALWAYS!

Be Forewarned...I'm Whiney!

I have been sitting with this laptop open for what feels like hours. I started writing, got a page in and stopped. I opened up my writing file and looked at so many ideas, either waiting for a beginning, or started and abandoned. The only thing I seem to be able to focus on right now is the pain and lack of any energy. Also how much I love steroids, knowing I can’t take any.

Steroids (Prednisone) seem to be my new best friend. With them, I can almost pretend to be normal. I’m still limited on my energy stores (think of it like a video game, when that energy runs out, you are done). I can at least walk from one room to the next without feeling like I may pass out from the exertion. I’m on day two of what I refer to as “a bad day”. Everything hurts, I have zero energy and I just want to cry (I usually don’t, I was raised not to throw pity parties for myself).

I would like to think that me writing about the only thing that seems to be on my mind is at least knocking some of the cobwebs off of the creative process. I want to write, but I’d prefer to be writing fiction. Doesn’t seem like that’s happening though, so I’ll take what I can get.

I’m saving up my steroid usage for the next few weeks. Tessa (my third child) will be graduating high school, so we have all of the graduation festivities that I’ll need to find the energy for. I miss the days of caffeinated drinks being all I needed for an extra boost of energy. 

My two youngest are all that live at home now. I know they say they understand when I have my bad days, but I’m not really sure they do.I really don’t think anyone who hasn’t experienced this type of debilitating chronic illness really understands. I know I didn’t. 

I get lots of advice though. Eat this, don’t eat that, take this vitamin or that supplement. Exercise more, stand on your head, spin around whistling Dixie. I know everyone always means well, but I really just want somebody to come clean my house and leave me alone.

Okay, I think I’ve done quite enough whining, and to be honest, just sitting here typing has worn me out (stupid, I know). I guess it’s back to mind numbingly boring TV. I need a better hobby. Too bad it’s about the only thing I can do, besides sleep, on bad days.

I'm Baaaack....Kinda.

Let me preface this post with a "bear with me". I'm rusty to say the least. I find it hard to believe I haven't posted a single blog post in going on four years. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to relearn blogging settings, typing and just articulating what I'd like to say in an understandable format.

It's been four years since my last post. My world has changed so much. Some things remain the same. I still have the best husband in the world who I adore and love more than I ever thought possible. Especially now.

My body has decided it doesn't like me very much. I guess I can start with my "known diagnosis", and backtrack to the beginning of this medical insanity, September of 2016.

• Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). RA is an autoimmune disorder, which means your body attacks itself. If you have RA, your body interprets the soft lining around your joints as a threat, similar to a virus or bacteria, and attacks it. RA is a systemic disease, which means it can affect your entire body — lungs, heart, eyes — and not just your joints.
• Fibromyalgia. A condition that causes pain all over the body (also referred to as widespread pain), sleep problems, fatigue, and often emotional and mental distress. People with fibromyalgia may be more sensitive to pain than people without fibromyalgia.
• Peripheral Neuropathy. A result of damage to your peripheral nerves, often causes weakness, numbness and pain, usually in your hands and feet. It can also affect other areas of your body.
• Sjogren's Syndrome. An autoimmune disease, your immune system attacks parts of your own body by mistake. In Sjogren's syndrome, it attacks the glands that make tears and saliva. This causes a dry mouth and dry eyes. ... It is sometimes linked to other diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus.

After two and a half years of more tests than I'd like to count (or remember), two regular doctors, a rheumatologist, hematologist, neurologist and orthopedic surgeon (to treat injuries from a catastrophic fall down the stairs), I'm better in some aspects than when I originally had the rapid onset of symptoms, but far worse to the point of often not being able to simply walk from one room to the next without being able to breathe and having zero energy to walk the short distance back to my recliner or bed.

Looking back, I was struggling for a few years before the rapid onset of the extreme pain that facilitated the start of the testing and specialists. My feet would hurt after short periods of walking or standing. I had a bit less energy than I once had. I blamed most of it on old age. It wasn't debilitating enough to cause anything other than annoyance. I have moved way past annoyance. Even now, I struggle to sit in the computer chair and type. I do have a laptop, which I guess I should learn to use, but I just prefer the PC. That being said, I do believe I'll rap up this post and try and revisit in the next few days with more of my whining. I'm actually hoping this process will be, at the very least, therapeutic, and will motivate me to start writing again (God knows I have the time).

Using My Powers for Good....

Does anybody out there understand how hard it is to start writing again after taking a break? I sure do. I don’t even have an excuse. After separating with a company I ADORED working for in August, I decided to go back to writing full time. After five months, my house is clean, carpets shampooed, closets cleaned out and this is the FIRST time I have sat down to do any serious writing…and it’s not even very serious, just me rambling on in my blog (mostly because I am bored out of my mind!).

Don’t get me wrong, I have loved spending time with my family and I can never get enough time with my husband (because he is the most awesome man on the planet). I just don’t feel productive. I miss immersing myself in a job I love. Maybe this isn't the time to start on the fifth revision of my completed manuscript. Maybe I shouldn't start on my exciting memoirs just yet.

I've certainly had time to do a lot of reading, probably a few dozen. Mostly books I wouldn't recommend, although I did get the latest Diana Gabaldon book in her Outlander series, Written in My Own Hearts Blood, for my anniversary (from the fore-mentioned awesome husband) which I devoured, because she is a brilliant writer.

I guess I need to get back out there and find another job I can enjoy and feel like I’m contributing my talents (because let’s face it, I have lots of talents…most of them can even be used for good instead of evil). Perhaps I’ll keep blogging, just so my writing ability doesn't get all rusty and stagnant. Maybe I’ll even find a job that can use my many talents (hopefully not my talent for cleaning, shampooing carpets or organizing closets).

Update on Living OFF the Internet

I’m a “word girl”, but there just don’t seem to be the right words to express my feelings.  I've been sitting here staring at a blank page trying to figure out just how to convey all of my feelings. The words don’t want to come. Maybe it’s his absence? I miss his solid presence.  Knowing he’ll always be there when I get home from work, or at the very least, shortly after. Knowing that each and every night, I will lie down in the same bed with him, and snuggle close and also knowing that I will wake to his kiss as he leaves for work. 

  (Yeah, he's gonna kill me when he sees I used this picture!)

Our time is spent laughing and talking, often over cooking dinner, doing laundry or even the dishes. We talk about our day, about work, about our kids, his and mine, and about our future. We talk at work at least a dozen times a day. Maybe it’s still new? Maybe that’s part of it, but he understands me. I am who I am and he doesn't mind. He’s unapologetic for who he is. Neither of us is perfect, but the only thing I would change about him is his current absence.

The funny thing is, I sit here and read what I've written and think, “This is just silly. Why should I feel the need to type this?” Well, it’s what I do. I write. I've done it for ages now, and I’m a tad aggravated that it’s this hard for me to do right now. Sure, I’m typing, but I’m just not saying what I’d like to.

I have to stop myself from using a million different cliches. But if I close my eyes, I can see him. His clear blue eyes. His full lips, always ready with a smile. I can see his huge broad shoulders, and be thankful that I haven’t actually had to lean on them often (but I’m glad they’re there all the same). He’s such a big man, so strong, but amazingly gentle and not too tough to shed a tear with me over a tragedy like the tornado that destroyed so many of my childhood memories in May.

There is no easy way to explain my feelings. He’s home. He’s my equal, my partner and sometimes my strength, but mostly, he makes me a better person. Not so much in the less snarky department, more in the “I feel like a grown-up and I’m okay with that” department. Sometimes it’s hard for me not to worry about the future; that things will change. I know they will, but I have to have faith that when they do, it will only be better.

I guess what they say is true. I was finally in a really good place. I was happy with who I was and where I was in my life. And there he was. He wasn't a knight in shining armor, there to rescue me, nor was he in need of rescuing himself.  We were both pretty comfortable in our own skin and it just so happens, that we kinda liked the skin the other wore.

Now here we are, our first time apart in almost 6 months. I have a beautiful ring on my finger, symbolizing  the promise of a future with an honest, hard-working, sensitive, caring and extremely hot man (yeah, I went there, he’s handsome in a not-douchey-way). 

We scrapped our plans for a big wedding when it spun out of control (my fault), and plan on having a very small quiet ceremony the end of the month. Then I get to apply for my first Passport, so I can be ready for our cruise to South America and the Caribbean in April (I am so gonna refrain from watching Titanic for a while). I think our next trip out of the states will definitely be to Scotland after that. Life is good. No life is amazing…but it would sure be a whole lot better if he wasn't on a ship somewhere out in the Pacific Ocean right now. 

Pride, Insecurity and Trust

You would think that pride & insecurity wouldn't be a trait shared by one person. Alas, it often is.

Insecurity can poison almost any relationship. Everyone is insecure, but sometimes you have to learn to trust someone in order to conquer that insecurity. That’s where pride rears its ugly head and can completely obliterate that fragile trust, giving even more power to our insecurities.

Speaking on a personal level, I have serious trust issues. It seems anytime I put my trust in someone, they betray that trust. It makes me insecure in my own ability to judge a person. It also hurts. My pride kicks in every so often and I get all filled with bravado and push away the people I love the most.

I previously mentioned The Brain, The Heart & The Libido here. I’m sure anyone can tell you The Libido cares not about pride, insecurity or trust. That would definitely be left for The Heart & The Brain to fight it out.

So here’s an example of that conversation:

The Brain: “I was lied to. Over and over. I trusted this person. I was wrong. Why did I trust them? I shall never forgive them for doing this to me. My pride will not allow it. How can I be so stupid? What makes people think I will just keep forgiving each and every time?”

The Heart: “It’s because of love.”

The Brain: “Love is a poor excuse for being treated like a welcome mat. Stop butting in and trying to control things Heart, you only cause problems. Look at the past 5 years. You've wreaked havoc on our life with all your silly feelings.”

The Heart: “It doesn't matter what you think. It only matters what you feel. In the end, you are fighting a losing battle, because we both know I am stronger than you are. It’s been your over-thinking everything that has caused the problems.”

And the fight continues…there is no right or wrong. In the end, it really isn't The Brain or The Heart that has any control…it’s the person who the fight is over. Unfortunately, they have the power to end this battle. One way or another. It’s too bad their own internal battle with pride, insecurities & trust make this a battle that can’t be won by anyone, unless they learn to conquer their own pride & insecurities and take that leap and learn to trust.

Brilliant Book Covers Lead to Odd Musings...

Ever have one of those conversations that you later look back on and can’t decide if it was either brilliant on both sides, or just plain weird? A while back, I had numerous talks with someone and it was exactly like that. I saw the picture of a book cover that reminded me of it today. It’s just brilliant, in my humble opinion.  

“So, you've read 50 Shades of Grey, now its time to inject a bit of colour and have the time of your life.... read the tongue in cheek adventures of the hapless libido.” 

Check out the BRILLIANT Mark McIntyre 

and pick up a copy of his new book 

A Positively Healthier Lifestyle 

You may wonder what kind of bizarre discussion I could have been having after seeing that! Well, the truth is, it was a very odd third person conversation. I referred to three separate entities as though they were actual people. There was The Brain, The Heart and of course, The Libido.

Now, as you can imagine, The Brain was the only reasonable opinion in these conversations and was constantly at odds with ANYTHING The Heart had to add. The Libido was pretty much willing to side with either of them, as long as she thought it would somehow benefit her.

In the end, The Brain won any and all discussions. The Libido pouted but was more than willing to patiently await her next bath or shower (don’t ask). The Heart, well, that poor girl; what can I say? If you’re very quiet late at night, you can hear the slap and scrape of more bricks being added to her already impenetrable wall. She got all worked up over nothing. The really sad part is she almost won all those arguments with The Brain. I suppose it’s a good thing she didn't  A girl can only take so many beatings before she’s not only broken, but ceases to exist.

So as long as there’s a tidy little wall to protect her, there’s still hope that one day, Prince Charming will scale the walls and rescue her from her solitary existence. Corny, huh?