Sometimes the weight of the
world seems to be pressing a bit too hard on my shoulders. When that happens, I
withdraw into myself. I become anti-social (far more so than normal) and I
retreat from everyone, often using music to wallow in sadness.
I admit to being co-dependent at times. It’s not a trait I like, but I’ll own it. When this melancholy mood
hits, I actually miss having someone to be co-dependent with (not enough to
actually do anything about being alone, just enough to darken my mood a tad bit
more).
I've been in one of those
moods lately. They are unhealthy and often self-destructive. I push away people
I shouldn't and long for unhealthy relationships I've ended. I watch stupid
sub-titled movies, don’t eat and can’t sleep.
It seems I’m a tad whiny as
well (sorry for stating the obvious). I think this particular lapse is caused
by multiple things. The first was my birthday. How I hate them. Next we have
the terrifying life change I’m currently in the middle of implementing. Quitting a
full-time job to go back to school is scary on so many levels. Then we have
Valentine’s Day….society’s way of celebrating couples (I am currently not one
half of a couple equation) and a commercialized holiday I usually dread (second
only to my birthday). Which brings me to the loss of my dearest friend; I can’t
seem to come to grips with that. Factor in my kids seem to be growing up and
needing me less and less and I realize I’m lonely. And sad.
Oh yeah, I’m a big fat whiner
all right. I really don’t like myself when I get this way.
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